


Squid Incident 10/13

by SonOfAMuggle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26998462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonOfAMuggle/pseuds/SonOfAMuggle
Kudos: 1





	Squid Incident 10/13

the head of the committee of Summaries and Confusion sat at their desk reviewing the latest incident report.

INCIDENTS:  
CHILLY DOGS = 0  
DARK WIZARDS = 0  
MYSTERIOUS ASSASSINS = O  
SQUID SIGHTING = 0

"Excellent, now to send this week's report to@pheonixx - minister for magic —"  
Out of no where a Squid grabs the parchment and runs down the Ministry hallway  
"Somebody catch that squid!!" They yell down the hall. Will anyone in the Ministry help?!

The Illustrious Minister for Magic, Pheonixx, First of Their Name, The Unconscionable, Revolutionary Figurehead of the Girl Rock Revolution and of the Fanatical Fam, Swisher of Fashionable Cloaks, Baker of Cakes, and Parent of Spawn, lounged elegantly on their unnecessary throne that they had had installed recently. It was a surprisingly quiet day on the job, and @Sabrina, Mom & Undersecretary had not bothered passing them any paperwork for some time. Probably because she knew that, while The Illustrious Minister would absolutely read it (because they like reading about shenanigans that are Not Their Problem), they would also forget everything they had read immediately (because paperwork is for nerds who actually want to achieve things).

The Illustrious Minister was just contemplating having another piece of cake to fill the void, when the haunting and unnatural calm of the Ministry was broken by a scuffle, a squelch, several thuds, more squelching, and an incoherent yell from down the hall. The Illustrious Minister got up dramatically, and swirled their cloak before going to investgate...

@sleepy🔔 家誼 🦑🦑🦑 a Squid stole my paperwork saying there have been no Squid incidents and ran down the ministry hallway.

@SonOfAMuggle (they/them) ah sorry, thats jimmy he gets like that sometimes

The Illustrious Minister sighed as they watched Jimmy flail down the hallway away from the Committee of Summaries and Confusion office.

Ah, I see, they thought, catching sight of @SonOfAMuggle (they/them)'s door hanging open. "Is everything alright down there?" they called, tentatively, hoping desperately that no one would ask them to do anything about it if everything was not, in fact, alright.

"I'm sorry Minister my paperwork is going to be late today" they said watching Jimmy swing into the lift.

With a heavy sigh the Head of the committee of Summaries and Confusion waved away @pheonixx - minister for magic there was no point in going on a two person hunt for Jimmy the squid. They sat down at their desk, pulled out a quill and started written. . .

INCIDENT REPORT:

CHILLY DOGS = 0  
DARK WIZARDS = 0  
MYSTERIOUS ASSASSINS = O  
SQUID SIGHTING = 1

The Head of Personell Department leaves their office after another day without job applications or any requests from their current emloyess. They are now about to go do their second job at a meeting of the muggle worthy excuse commity. They innocently enter the lift. When it stops on the next floor a squid comes in and they hear @SonOfAMuggle (they/them) yelling after it.

Tschulie quickly stuns the squid and takes a look at the parchment in it's tentacle. They then procede to look back into the corridor, but noone seems to actually follow the squid, did they give up that quickly? The squid moves a bit and the head of PD once again points there wand at the creature and yells "Petrificus totalus!" They'd need to talk to @sleepy🔔 家誼 🦑🦑🦑 who clearly doesn't seem to have her squids under control.

EXCUSE ME  
My squids deserve to ROAM FREE  
Also how do you know it’s not an escaped emotional support squid???  
These accusations are R U D E

THEN YOU NEED TO TEACH THEM BETTER BEHAVIOUR!  
the head of personell department sends note to EVERY ministry employee asking if anyone is missing their emotional support squid

"Pche, do they really think some petrification spell is good enough for me.. Pche!"  
The squid wobbles a little closer to the head PD.  
"if they only knew the plan me and @TatianaS ☕ ♥ 🦁 came up with, when she stole me the first time! I know she is waiting for me outside!" 

I don’t teach my squids!!! My squids teach me!!! What do you think they are? Circus animals??? in the distance a squid is riding a unicycle with another squid balanced with a single tentacle on its mantle

The head of Department of General Information Forgery sends around a bulletin 'A Squid? What Squid? We haven't heard of any squids'

Sorry for the screaming heard in some of our departments today. We are repotting mandrakes here in the DRaCoMPREG 

Wait I thought if we hear the screaming we die tho?

They're probably not full.... passes out

Oh, they're still babies. As long as you're not in the room with them, you're fine 

opens an eye Oh  
I guess that must've been the placebo

Ah good, the placebo is working.Carry on.Oh, also, a squid wandered in while we were repotting, wasn't wearing earmuffs, and passed out. 

the head of pd keeps an eye on the misbehaving squid, conjures some ropes and ties its tentacles together so it can't move sending an emergency note to @pheonixx - minister for magic and squidbiologist @sleepy🔔 家誼 🦑🦑🦑 

Tatiana shuffle a bit outside the Ministry building. Crossing and uncrossing her hands, attempting a quick Tempus charm. Where the hell is Jimmy! They were supposed to be out 5 minutes ago!!

I’m not a squid biologist! I am a squid!

You're employed as fake squid biologist but I guessed you knew at least something joy

The Doctor wanders in an cheerfully takes back her TARDIS the exact moment I think I'm lying passed out on the floor like an idiot. WHEE WHEE WHEE. TARDIS gone.

The Illustrious Minister is once again lazing on their throne, contemplating how very luxuriant and fabulous their hair is. Suddenly, three interdepartmental memos appear on their desk, two blinking purple: the standard ministry bulletin colour.

The first turns out to be from the Personnel Department, and, given the mention of Emotional Support Squid, probably has something to do with Jimmy. Oh well, they think, smugly. Not my problem.

The second memo is to be from General Information Forgery, informing them that there were absolutely no squid problems today, no sir, a squid-free day indeed, which... seems in-keeping with the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' governance The Illustrious Minister promoted.

Unfortunately, a third memo appears, blinking magenta: the colour of ministry emergencies. @tschulie🌈 -head PD, viceh. MWEC has captured Jimmy and requires - oh NO - Ministerial Attention.

The Illustrious Minister reluctantly slouches off to meet with @tschulie🌈 -head PD, viceh. MWEC, hoping everything will be resolved by the time they get there.

over the past months, the squid have slowly been experimenting on is a bell and have finally gotten her to believe that she is, in fact, a squid

the head of the department of education is drafting a memo reminding people to read their pamphlets on squid maintenance and the pitfalls of squids before claiming their emotional support creature

Creates "Found: One Squid" posters in the hopes of reuniting the passed out squid with the appropriate ministry employee

the minister for arts and crafts would like to remind everyone that the workshop for knitting your own squid harness is tomorrow and attendance is encouraged.

Tatiana slowly backs away from the Ministry. If Jimmy infact betrayed her, she must get away!

the minister would also like to remind everyone that the House elf initiative is cancelled due to the large amount of complaints received about House Elves being given badly knitted hats.

the head of the department of education is drafting a memo reminding people to read their pamphlets on squid maintenance and the pitfalls of squids before claiming their emotional support creature.

Queen Minister of Magic is late as always cause she had to collect her many many corgis in her scottish castle.

Tatiana hides away

@TatianaS ☕ ♥ 🦁   
The Queen M.o.M. corgis find her and give her 100000 kisses.  
(Corgi gif)

no, no, no.. This can not be happening! I should have hide better, they will discover my plans.. But oh my, do I enjoy this puppy kisses. Giggles.

@Cait (she/her) HODoE, Min A&C As there have been questions among the staff (read: me), I would like to ask if there is also a crochet workshop as some employees (again: I) who aren’t that skilled when it comes to handling two needles.

@Sabrina, Mom & Undersecretary the crochet workshop runs concurrently - please place your preference when you sign in and the correct quantity of pointy things will be provided.

Btw, @tschulie🌈 -head PD, viceh. MWEC, did the squid issue get resolved?

@pheonixx - minister for magic I'm still waiting for anybody to arrive, I can't really do anything on my own.

The Illustrious Minister of the Many Titles swept down the corridor, making sure their cloak billowed fashionably behind them. In the Personnel Department, they found @tschulie🌈 -head PD, viceh. MWEC, Jimmy, and a very soggy memo from the Head of the committee of Summaries and Confusion.

"Soooooooooo...." they said, eyeing the trussed-up squid warily. "What's up?"

The floor, it turns out, is rather lovely. Really comfortable. After the head of the DDW realised they haven't really passed out, they just stayed lying there, staring up at the ceiling, feeling well-rested.

the head of the department of education is here for backup as needed but would prefer not to have to touch the squid.

tschulie and @pheonixx - minister for magic stand in front of the squid clueless. They don't have an idea what to do with it since they have no proficiency in squids. 

After a while both of them decide to conjure a tank, to leave it in there for the night. They send an owl to Hagrid, hoping he'll take the squid, the Giant one in the lake was in need of a companion anyway.


End file.
